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The aroma of vegetable soup wafted up the stairs to my office. Moments later, my wife called, âDinnerâs ready!â
âMmmmm ⊠I love homemade soup,â I thought.
Rushing down the stairs and past the pantry, I spied a tube of crackers, grabbed them, and headed for the dining room.
My wife sat at the table, waiting for me, smiling. Her smile vanished as she saw the tube of crackers. âOh, this isnât good enough? I really tried to get everything you like. I even brought out the oyster crackers âŠâ
Confused, I looked at her. Then, I looked at the table.
She had arranged a beautiful spread of crackers, sliced cheese, chips & dips, salsa, veggies and grilled sandwiches to go with our soup.
And there I stood, tube of crackers in hand, inflicting help.
Acting without asking
Inflicting help occurs when the helper acts in a way they feel as helpful but the recipient does not. It often stems from the helper not asking if, how or when someone would like to be helped.
Instead, the helper jumps in and acts without asking.
âBut, I was only trying to help!â
I was trying to comfort her. âI didnât know you had all this out. I smelled the soup, saw the crackers, and grabbed them to be helpful.â
We quickly sorted things out and went on to have a great meal together.
Looking back, it was an interesting interaction, and it holds some lessons for tech managers.
Because too often, well-meaning tech leaders inflict help on their teams. And when we realize what weâve done, we might exclaim, âBut, I was only trying to help!â
Step oneâââStop and look
Inflicting help is almost always a result of misunderstanding the situation and assuming you know what is needed.
As soon as I entered the dining room, it was clear that my wife had put a lot of work into the meal. This wasnât âjust soup,â it was a feast.
I didnât know this when I grabbed the crackers.
I didnât know it because⊠I didnât stop and look.
Had I sat down at the table first, I would have understood the situation and would never have grabbed the crackers.
However, itâs not only about understanding how the situation look on the surface; itâs about really understanding the situation and correctly interpreting the situation.
Remember, you never help âthings,â you always help âpeople.â
And people assign meaning and interpretations to situations.
In this case, it wouldnât have been enough to notice, âThe table is filled with a lot of good food.â
The real interpretation was âMy wife went out of her way to express her love for me.â
In that context, bringing crackers sent the message, âWhat you have done is not good enough.â
Ouch.
Step twoâââAsk and listen
Letâs imagine that I had sat down first and properly interpreted the situation. Then I could have said, âThis is wonderful. Is there any way I can help?â
Now things get interesting.
I donât know what she might have said. I might have heard:
- âNo, everything is ready, letâs eat.â
- âYes, would you mind grabbing the crackers?â
- âYes, would you mind clearing the dishes afterwards?â
- âYes, would you drive into town and buy a loaf of French bread?â
- âYes, would you find us a movie to watch?â
The answer to that question may reveal what is most important to her at that moment.
Asking guarantees we wonât inflict help, because the other person has the opportunity to tell us what would be helpful.
Step threeâââOffer, decline, negotiate
Asking and listening gives me insight about what activity the other person feels would be helpful.
Then I have a decision to make:
- Decide the request is something I am able to do and offer to do it
- Decide the request is something I am unable to do and decline it
- Negotiate a third option
If she asked that I clear the dishes, and Iâm able and willing to do so, Iâll acknowledge that and follow through.
If she asked that I drive into down, and I am not able to do that, I might decline. This might lead to a compromise.
If she asked that I find us a movie to watch, but I wanted to finish the series we were binge watching, I might negotiate. âHow about we finish what we were watching last night?â
An example from (almost) real-life
Jim walks into your office. âI canât get the Facebook authentication to work. Their docs suck. Plus, our firewall keeps blocking the request. Iâve already spent twice as much time on this as I planned.â
Without these three steps, you could easily inflict help. Iâve done it by sayingâŠ
- âOkay, Iâm good at Facebook integrations. Iâll do it myself.â
- âOkay, Sue is good at that. Iâll send that project to her.â
- âOh, letâs just cancel that feature then.â
Jim might well respond in a way which surprises me (because I was trying to be helpful!):
- âForget it, Iâll figure it out.â
- âDonât you trust me?â
- âI donât need hand holding.â
Ad nauseam. There seems to be no end to the ways we can inflict help on others, all because we donât stop, ask, listen, and offer.
Instead, if I ask Jim, âHow would you like me to help?â you might hear:
- âCould you get us a few more days?â
- âDo you have a code sample I could review?â
- âCould you explain OAuth to me again?â
- âCould you cancel the project, and give me a monthâs paid vacation?â
Some requests might appeal to you, and so you may agree. Other ideas may not, so you may decline or negotiate them.
Either way, youâve stopped inflicting help, and begun discussing what kind of help would be actually helpful.
Youâve also set the expectation that you may help when asked but that you will not interfere in your employeesâ work without their permission. This is particularly difficult for engineering managers and tech leads who believe they know the right answer.
Few things in life are as frustrating as watching someone struggle to solve a problem when you know the answer.
But, thatâs the only way learning occurs.
Gold and Platinum
The Golden Rule states, âTreat others like you want to be treated.â
The Platinum Rule states, âTreat others the way they want to be treated.â
Follow these guidelines and youâll be less likely to inflict help and far more likely to be helpful when, if, and how your team needs it.
Three steps to stop inflicting help on others was originally published in Hacker Noon on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
Disclaimer
The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the authors and do not reflect the views of Bitcoin Insider. Every investment and trading move involves risk - this is especially true for cryptocurrencies given their volatility. We strongly advise our readers to conduct their own research when making a decision.